


your favorite drink at Starbucks

by oyakodon (prevaricator)



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Bisexual Character, M/M, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 08:20:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6603628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prevaricator/pseuds/oyakodon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seunghyun struggles to understand himself and his feelings for Jiyong and Seungri.</p>
            </blockquote>





	your favorite drink at Starbucks

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: mentions of underage sex, some d/s at the very end, largely unedited, mostly follows canon but may occasionally deviate
> 
> This is something I started writing early last summer and haven't touched since November (and have hardly read any Big Bang fic in months, oops). At the time I wrote it, it was the longest thing I'd ever written. I'm too attached to it to abandon it completely, but I'm too close to it to give it the rewrite it probably deserves. 
> 
> Title is from the song "Leaving Grapefruits" by Alexandros.

For months after the first time they meet, Seunghyun gets a fluttery, nervous feeling in his stomach whenever he thinks about Jiyong. Jiyong is cool, smart, already famous, and he likes all the same music Seunghyun likes. He’s never wanted to be someone’s friend so much, and he’s never really sure why Jiyong even deigns to speak to him, let alone wants to be his friend

When Jiyong whines to him about Yang Hyunsuk’s decision to put him in a _boyband_ , after years of barely speaking to Seunghyun because he’s been too busy with practicing for his debut and dating girls, Seunghyun is perplexed. Nonetheless, he commiserates. Jiyong is far too talented to be shoved into a group of boys who aren’t good at anything other than being pretty, singing other people’s songs, and dancing other people’s dances. 

But then Jiyong gives him a devious look over the bottle of illicit soju they’re sharing in Seunghyun’s room. “Hyung, you should audition!”

Seunghyun stares at him like he has two heads. Seunghyun, in a boyband? He’s a serious rapper, not an idol. He’s too ugly to be an idol, anyway, and he can’t dance. “You’re out of your mind.”

“Aww, but we’d be so awesome!” Jiyong says, grinning. “You and me and Youngbae in one group? The world wouldn’t know what hit ‘em.”

That’s when it occurs to Seunghyun that being in a boyband with Jiyong would mean getting one of his best friends back. There wouldn’t be any conflict for Jiyong between working and hanging out with Seunghyun.

His pride cringes. He’d still be in a boyband. 

_But YG would be idiotic not to use Jiyong’s talent properly,_ he reasons with himself. _So at least some of our songs would be good._

What finally gets him is Jiyong’s offer to record something with him to help him get in. It ends up being just like old times, and getting into YG becomes the only goal that matters to him for the next several months.

 

Jiyong gets permission to use studio space after hours to record a demo for Seunghyun, because Jiyong is the kind of person who can get permission to do these things. When most kids are focused on trying to get into good universities to set them on their paths in life, Jiyong is already held in such high regard in his chosen career path that Yang Hyunsuk trusts his judgment of others. Seunghyun is in awe of that.

Standing in a recording booth with Jiyong outside fiddling with the controls, helped by an assistant engineer who frequents the underground rap scene, Seunghyun sees the future.

When he closes the door to the booth, he doesn’t understand how he’s supposed to rap in it. It’s a vacuum, a soundless place, and the soundlessness means nobody is listening. Where are the people, the hoots, the jeers? Rap is about confidence, and confidence is about an audience.

The sudden insecurity is close to sending him running from the room until he looks up and notices that Jiyong is grinning at him through the glass. Jiyong points at something inside the booth, by the microphone, and Seunghyun glances around until he notices a pair of circumaural headphones like the one everyone wears in ‘making of’ videos.

Sliding them on, he’s alarmed when he still can’t hear anything. “Are these broken?” he asks.

Jiyong laughs and leans forward to press a button amongst the myriad knobs and switches between him and Seunghyun. Suddenly the sound of Jiyong’s laughter filters in. “No, they’re not. You can’t hear me until I push this button.”

He demonstrates by making an elongated “Ahhhhhh” while pushing the button in and out, so that it goes “Ahh-“ “-hhh-“ “-hh.”

“Oh,” Seunghyun says, still feeling disoriented.

Jiyong keeps grinning. “Weird in there, isn’t it?”

Seunghyun smiles ruefully and nods.

“You’ll get used to it,” Jiyong says. 

Jiyong has been doing this since he was tiny, so Seunghyun isn’t so sure his experience will apply to a much older boy.

Still, he gives it a try at Jiyong’s suggestion, rapping tentatively into the mic while feeling, privately, that the silence around him is a hungry monster, eating the words right out of his mouth. It’ll dive in soon, he’s sure, and fill his lungs and stifle him. All while what’s left of his voice is being transmitted to Jiyong and the engineer, offered up for their judgment. 

The silence goes away as Jiyong’s voice fills his ears, stopping him. “Hyung, you’re not sounding very convincing.”

“Sorry,” Seunghyun says. “Let me start over.”

The silence is a beast, he tells himself. It’s a beast that he needs to defeat if he wants his words to go out to the world, and the only way to defeat it is to make noise. Pretty noise, because the silence wins if he can’t prove the superiority of sound.

So he raps like it’s a battle. He closes his eyes to block out the sight of Jiyong judging him, holds on to the headphones to keep them from falling off, and throws words at the mic like punches. 

When he stops, Jiyong hoots into the mic. In thickly accented English he says, “Give it up for our rap superstar, Tempo!”

Under the force of Jiyong’s excited gaze, Seunghyun feels like a hundred happy butterflies are fluttering under his skin. To release the excess energy he doffs an imaginary hat and pulls an exaggerated bow. To Jiyong and the engineer’s applause, he says in English, “Thank you, thank you!”

“Okay,” Jiyong says when they’ve calmed down. “Now try it again and maybe slow it down a bit for this part-“ he breaks off and raps a line, sounding a bit silly as he tries to mimic Seunghyun’s much deeper voice. 

Seunghyun tries it out a few ways. What Jiyong wants is different from what Seunghyun means, so he explains his thoughts until they find something that flows correctly.

This is what being an artist is, he thinks several times over the course of the night. This is what being an artist with Jiyong will feel like. Endless scrutiny, discussions, respect. Watching Jiyong’s lips as he mouths a line that’s been bugging him and his hand as he writes out a possible alteration, Seunghyun thinks that this is going to be his life. 

Failure is no longer an option. 

They work until it’s way too late, and then they come in again two nights later to do more.

When Yang Hyunsuk says that it’s great but that regrettably Seunghyun’s appearance isn’t what he’s going for, Jiyong looks apologetic and frustrated, and Seunghyun resolves to change his appearance.

The way Jiyong stares the next time he sees Seunghyun makes him feel uncomfortably scrutinized all over again.

 

Seungri, or “Little Seunghyun”, as they call him at the time, is so much the embodiment of everything he dislikes about idols that the elder Seunghyun doesn’t want to like him at first. He’s young and not that great at singing. His talents seem to be excessive confidence, being likeable, and dancing. The only part that Big Seunghyun respects at this point is the dancing. 

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how he looks at it, Little Seunghyun’s likeability is no joke. Within a handful of days after the first time they actually meet, Big Seunghyun finds himself starting to cave when Little Seunghyun doesn’t complain at all about being assigned to help him with his dance moves.

It turns out that Little Seunghyun is a good teacher, too. Despite his infinitely better skill and younger age, he never makes Big Seunghyun feel like he’s being judged or mocked for the way he just can’t seem to do what everyone else is doing. 

One evening, Little Seunghyun is helping Big Seunghyun and Daesung with some choreography that Big Seunghyun just can’t seem to get. Big Seunghyun gets increasingly frustrated as they run over one bit over and over, and Little Seunghyun tells him no, more like _this_ each time. He can only see a slight difference in what they’re doing, and he can’t figure out quite how to make his shoulders move like that.

To make it worse, Daesung is having no trouble with it at all. Seunghyun is getting embarrassed and frustrated to the point where all he can see in the mirror is the jerky movements of someone who’s feeling frustrated and hopeless.

Just as he thinks there’s no use, that he’s going to be dropped from the group because he’s about as coordinated and graceful as a baby giraffe, Little Seunghyun stops and says, “Hyung look out!”

Big Seunghyun and Daesung look at him perplexedly as he starts moving his arms and shoulders in a motion similar to the cheater backstroke and wiggles his chest and hips around. 

“It’s a jellyfish! Don’t get stung!” Little Seunghyun says. He starts to wiggle toward Daesung, who makes some diving motions with his hands and “swims” toward Big Seunghyun. Big Seunghyun turns and runs as Little Seunghyun starts to follow Daesung toward him, and Little Seunghyun chases them around the room. Eventually he has to move fast enough that he can’t really wiggle his body, and Big Seunghyun laughingly comments that he looks more like a bird than a jellyfish, at this point.

Little Seunghyun breaks off, laughing, and Big Seunghyun finds himself grinning as he takes a moment to take a drink of water. The whole thing was dumb and not really all that funny, but it was effective in clearing out the frustrated mood in the room.

The door opens while Seunghyun is wiping the sweat off his forehead, still smiling, and Jiyong walks in. He glances around the room at all of the smiling faces and grimaces. Quickly crossing the room, he grabs his cell phone from where he’d forgotten it on a chair earlier, then turns and leaves.

By the time the door has closed again, Little Seunghyun’s smile is gone. Big Seunghyun finds himself wanting it back, but he doesn’t quite have Little Seunghyun’s knack for changing the mood in a room. Putting his water bottle down, Big Seunghyun pats Little Seunghyun’s shoulder and says, “Okay, let’s try one more time.”

“Oh, I was going to suggest we call it a night,” Little Seunghyun says. 

Looking to Daesung for support, Big Seunghyun says, “I still have a bit of energy left.”

“Yeah, me too!” Daesung says. 

Big Seunghyun doesn’t manage the dance move satisfactorily that night. Likewise, Little Seunghyun’s smile never quite reaches his eyes when it comes back, but he seems a little bit less down than he had been when Jiyong had interrupted them earlier. Big Seunghyun decides to count it as a semi-success.

Seunghyun has never been excited about a drama in his life, but he is excited when he sees Jiyong and Little Seunghyun watching _Goong_ at the same time, on the same couch, even if they’re on opposite ends. 

He’s even more excited the second time it happens, and he and Taeyang share a meaningful glance with each other behind their backs, both of them starting to hope.

By the time they’re holding hands and crying over the drama, the relief of the four other boys and their manager is nearly palpable. 

There’s a little extra bounce in Little Seunghyun’s step the next day, and he smiles over just about everything.

 

Practice feels off with two people missing, especially the younger Seunghyun. Seunghyun is left to pick up his dance moves from the instructor and the far less patient Jiyong and Youngbae.

It's not right, but Seunghyun can't honestly say if he thinks that because it isn't right or just because he wants maknae Seunghyun around. He also worries, because maknae Seunghyun is so far from home; Hyunseung can visit his parents whenever he needs consolation, but little Seunghyun can't.

Seunghyun decides to take matters into his own hands, slipping two bottles of water from the fridge and sneaking out after bedtime.

The manager catches him while he's putting on his shoes, and he freezes, expecting a lecture. But the manager, after looking confused for a moment, gets a glint in her eye and says, "ooh, is our Seunghyunnie finally sneaking out for a date?"

Grinning mostly out of relief, Seunghyun makes his "no" sound like a "yes.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell, you know,” the manager says. “Just don’t get caught.”

“But noona, it’s not a date!” Seunghyun figures he should play up the shyness because he knows everyone thinks that’s why he hasn’t been dating anyone.

“Oh, really?” She gives him a skeptical look. “Well, you better be careful, even if it’s a not-date. The paparazzi don’t differentiate.”

Hyunseung and little Seunghyun are practicing singing and dancing, respectively, in different rooms. Hyunseung doesn't really like to be watched while he practices, so Seunghyun drops a water bottle by the door and hopes he'll notice.

Slipping in the door to the dance practice room, he gives little Seunghyun a wolf whistle and starts dancing behind him, copying each move the other Seunghyun makes with great exaggeration until he collapses into giggles.

"Hyuung, I'm trying to practice!" Little Seunghyun protests, but Seunghyun pins him to the floor with a hug.

"You have to take breaks sometimes," he says, poking at his captive's sides until he giggles again.

Eventually he sits back to let little Seunghyun catch his breath and offers up the bottle of water.

"I'll get out of your way soon," he says. "I just wanted to make sure you're working hard. Practice is weird without you."

That earns him a grin. "You miss me!"

Seunghyun laughs and ruffles little Seunghyun's hair. "Yep. Jiyong sucks at teaching dance."

He stays a little longer, offering up what few suggestions he has and prolonging his return until he thinks he's been out long enough for a date.

On his way out he sees Jiyong sneaking into the building, also carrying a bottle of water. Jiyong’s eyebrows lift in surprise, and then he laughs. "I thought it was weird when manager noona said you were on a date!"

"Who says I wasn’t? Who wouldn't want to date Little Seunghyun?" Seunghyun laughs as he leaves, turning quickly away to avoid seeing Jiyong’s expression, knowing that the bottle he’s carrying is for Hyunseung. It feels like a betrayal, almost, that he wants Little Seunghyun in the group when he knows that Jiyong doesn’t. He’s rebelling against their leader, and he doesn’t know if that’s good.

As he gets back to his bed, it occurs to him that this is the first thing he’s ever really disagreed with Jiyong over. He feels frustrated at Jiyong’s stubbornness, both because it’s cruel and unfair to Seungri and because he doesn’t know how to handle a side of Jiyong that’s so far from perfect.

Worse, there’s no way to avoid Jiyong while he sorts out how he feels. They live together and work together, and that’s probably how it’s going to be for the next few years.

The next day, he snaps at Jiyong. They’ve been dancing all day, and Seunghyun has been off on his own rapping to get his sanity back when Jiyong comes along and makes a comment about something he could do better. 

Any other day, Seunghyun would’ve taken it for the constructive criticism it was, with no hard feelings. Today, however, he’s running on too little sleep, has been doing something he finds slightly humiliating for hours, and he has conflicted feelings about Jiyong. He’d been trying to remind himself of his own skills in this moment alone, but instead he’s got Jiyong reminding him of his imperfections.

“Well, I’m sorry we can’t all be flawless like you,” Seunghyun snaps, storming out of the room.

It’s a terrible thing to say to Jiyong, and he regrets it almost instantly. Jumping down Jiyong’s throat at something he’d usually be grateful for is hardly polite, and he tries not to say anything to Jiyong about perfection, ever, because Jiyong has issues with perfection.

Feeling contrite, he drops by Jiyong’s room that night to apologize. The door is half open, so he slips in with just a tap on the door. Jiyong is sitting at his desk, writing something, but he’s wearing headphones and doesn’t turn around. 

Seunghyun turns to leave, figuring his apology can wait, but he pauses to appreciate Jiyong’s broad shoulders and the curve of his neck as he hunches over his current notebook. Like they’ve got a life of their own, a longing settles into Seunghyun’s arms to wrap around those shoulders. It’s like an itch, almost, somewhere inside his bones, sprouting up from his fingers and down from his upper arms. His fingers twitch when he holds back, and he ducks out of the room quickly.

Lying in bed that night, he feels overwhelmingly sad and lonely, even crammed into a room as he is like a sardine with Youngbae and Daesung. The image of Jiyong’s shoulders keeps appearing in his mind, and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He’s not sure if he’s interested in guys, or where this came from. He remembers wondering when they met if his feelings were really any different from what he felt when he had a crush on a girl, but at the time he’d brushed the feeling off. 

He stays up late worrying about it. What will his mother say? What about Jiyong and the decidedly religious Youngbae and Daesung? Would it mess up the group if they found out?

They can’t find out, he decides. At least not until he’s sure, and maybe not until they’ve been around for a few years. Big Bang most likely won’t last longer than that; he can’t imagine Jiyong wanting to stick around in a boyband for any longer than he has to, and Youngbae and Daesung are both good enough to carry their own careers.

So he resolves to wait until then. It’s possible he’ll never have to say anything anyway, he thinks, since he’s had similar feelings for girls before. Maybe Jiyong is a fluke.

About a week later, he has a dream about blowing Jiyong and wakes up with an erection. He curses the damning evidence and spends the rest of the week reasoning that maybe he can still count himself straight because most of his very few wet dreams have been about girls.

Over the coming weeks, it happens one or two more times, and then he doesn’t have another dream about sex for quite a long time. In the flurry of debut preparations, he also doesn’t have much conscious time to think about sex, so he focuses his energy on practicing every day until he’s exhausted.

 

The first time Jiyong fucks Seungri is just before Big Bang’s debut, a week after Jiyong has been dumped by another girlfriend because he’s too been busy with training to pay attention to her. Seunghyun tried suggesting that he hold off on the dating for a while, but Jiyong insisted that he needs to experience love and heartbreak if he wants to be a serious artist.

They all make it back to the dorm after a hard day of practice, and it’s all Seunghyun can do to take a quick shower to rinse off his sweat and brush his teeth. Youngbae dives into the shower as soon as Seunghyun’s out, and Seunghyun stands brushing his teeth in silence with Daesung. As he walks away, he hears Daesung shouting into the shower to ask Youngbae to share.

When he’d first moved in, Seunghyun had been dismayed at how stiff his bed was, but he’s hardly noticed it in the last few weeks of training. Tumbling into bed, he turns off the light and is about to fall asleep in record time when he hears an odd, rhythmic noise.

 _Tap, tap, tap,_ comes the noise from one of his walls. 

_Rats_ , a little voice in his head tells him. _Or ghosts._

Seunghyun turns on the light and sits up, but there’s nothing out of the ordinary in his room. The rats/ghosts could be in the walls, though, so he prowls around the proximity of his room to be sure. He’s gingerly checking under a pair of sweatpants to make sure that nothing is hiding under them when he realizes the noise is coming from the wall his room shares with Jiyong’s. 

Then there’s a decidedly human noise, some kind of groan, and it finally occurs to Seunghyun’s tired mind that he’s hearing Jiyong’s bed tap against the wall.

Relieved, Seunghyun falls back into bed, lacking the energy even to ponder things like who Jiyong is fucking or how he could possibly have the energy to fuck anyone.

 

Seungri’s dancing is awful the following day, and Jiyong doesn’t say anything about it. It’s the strangest fucking thing Seunghyun has seen in ages. He catches Daesung’s eye, thinking he might know what’s going on, but Daesung just gives him a bemused shrug.

It takes a few days after things have gone back to normal for the pieces to slide together in Seunghyun’s brain, and then he wishes they hadn’t. He’s uncomfortable around both Jiyong and Seungri for days and has sex jokes coming to mind when he 

 

The door to the bedroom eases open and Daesung slips in with a big grin plastered on his face and a camera in one hand. Before Seunghyun can ask what’s going on, he puts a finger to his lips and beckons Seunghyun out into the common area. Curious, Seunghyun follows him out.

Wordlessly, Daesung passes him the camera and gestures at Seungri and Jiyong. They’re watching their latest drama on the couch, both in sweats and T-shirts. Neither one of them is moving at all; Jiyong has a hand hanging off Seungri’s shoulder, and Seungri has frozen with a hand full of potato chips raised halfway to his own mouth. They’re both staring raptly at the television screen, which shows a man on his knees in front of a woman. 

Once he’s ensured that Seunghyun has the camera framed correctly, Daesung edges up to the couch and gives the camera a thumbs-up. Neither Seungri nor Jiyong appears to notice him.

Carefully, without blocking Seungri’s view, Daesung slides the bag of chips out of Seungri’s lap. Seungri’s eyes never leave the television screen, on which the young woman is crying. 

That alone wouldn’t be entertaining enough, of course, so Daesung silently slides a hand into the bag and pulls out a chip, which he places on Seungri’s head. When Seungri doesn’t react, he adds another, then another. It’s all Seunghyun can do to hold the camera steady when he’d like to double over in lafter.

Daesung is working on a second layer when the screen flips to the man who’d just proposed to one woman making out in a car with a completely different one. Shouting, Seungri sits up straight and points at the screen, sending a cascade of potato chips down his back. Eyes widening even further, he grabs at his neck and turns around to look at the chips now lying on the couch cushions, then turns to stare at Seunghyun and Daesung.

“Hey!” he shouts, with all the adorable indignation he can muster, getting up to chase Daesung around the room. 

Seunghyun is left looking at Jiyong, who cracks a grin at him before pulling on a serious face and surveying the damage. 

“Hey,” he shouts at Daesung where Seungri has wrestled him to the floor. “You’re gonna clean that up, right?”

Daesung grins, unfooled by the angry act. “Yes, hyung.”

“And give me that,” Jiyong stomps over to them and yanks Seungri upright. He makes a show of dusting Seungri off and patting him down, throwing a chip that had lodged itself under the shoulder of Seungri’s shirt at Daesung, and then he grabs Seungri’s shoulders and marches him off to his bedroom.

Keeping a smile plastered on his face, Seunghyun helps Daesung up and starts picking up chips with him. His jovial mood is suddenly gone, replaced by a lonely, envious feeling in his gut. He’s not sure if he just wants what they have—that ability to sit on the couch and cuddle together—or if he wants Jiyong. 

 

“Hyung, look at this,” Seungri says one day on the set of _Nineteen_ , thrusting his phone under Seunghyun’s face. “Isn’t she pretty?”

On the phone is a picture of a young woman with big doe eyes, rounded eyebrows, and a cheerful smile, hair spilling over her shoulders in gentle curls. The photo is dim and of low quality, taken in either a restaurant or a bar. 

“Yes, she’s pretty,” Seunghyun goes back to looking over his lines, hoping the conversation is over. 

“I’m glad you agree,” Seungri says. “She’s pretty, she’s free this Friday, you’re free this Friday, it must be destiny.”

Storm clouds brew in Seunghyun’s head. “Seungri, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“You have a date, hyung.” 

Seungri is doing a very good job of not looking as terrified as he ought to be.

“I what?” Seunghyun scowls. “I said she was pretty, not that I’d go out with her.”

“If she’s pretty, why would you not go out with her?” Leaning in conspiratorially and lowering his voice, Seungri asks, “Would you prefer a guy?”

“I’d prefer nobody! How do you even know I’m free this Friday?”

Seungri is usually prudent enough to back down when Seunghyun’s snapped at him, but this time he keeps going, eyebrows furrowing. “We’re not filming on Friday, which means you’re going to be sitting on your ass watching movies. Whenever you drag yourself out of bed, that is.”

“So? I like watching movies,” Seunghyun says.

“Wouldn’t you like someone to watch them with?”

“That’s what my friends are for.”

“You mean Jiyong?” Seungri asks. 

“So what if I do?” Seunghyun doesn’t know why this has come up. “You watch dramas with him, too.”

“That’s different, hyung. I watch dramas with him, but I also go on dates with other people. So he knows I’m not in love with him, and I know he’s not in love with me. Everything is clear, and nobody thinks we’re anything more than friends with benefits.”

Seunghyun is feeling rather lost. “What’s love got to do with watching TV?”

“It’s not about TV,” Seungri replies. “It’s about how you spend so much of your time with Jiyong-hyung, and how you never pursue romantic relationships. It’s really obvious that he’s in love with you, and it’s easy to think the feeling’s mutual.

“So I have to ask, hyung. Are you in love with him?”

Seunghyun stares at him for a moment, at a loss for words. “Are you really asking if I’m in love with Jiyong? Who isn’t?”

To his credit, Seungri doesn’t roll his eyes. “But is it the relationship kind of love? Can you see yourself dating him? 

He looks away, then adds, “Could you _handle_ dating him?”

When Seunghyun can’t respond, Seungri continues, “Figure it out or move on, hyung. You can’t keep stringing him along forever.”

 

In one of Seungri’s beloved dramas, their conversation would be a revelation to Seunghyun. He’d realize that Jiyong is in love with him, and from then on it would be battling disapproving parents and whatever other obstacles the creators could come up with. There would be a sweet kiss scene or three.

The first problem with that is that Seunghyun can’t honestly say that he wasn’t aware of Jiyong’s feelings. Seunghyun isn’t an idiot, and Seungri wasn’t exaggerating when he said they were obvious. 

He can’t recall any specific moment when he realized that Jiyong was in love with him, nor can he name any definitive action that proves it. He just knows, and he’s known for quite some time. Over the years he’s been following a trail of subdued realizations, from the realization that Jiyong liked him as a friend to the realization that Jiyong respected him as an artist to the realization that he knows a lot of things about Jiyong that none of Jiyong’s other friends know to the realization that Jiyong seeks out his company very often to the realization that Jiyong looks at him a lot when they’re together. 

Somewhere in there, he concluded with next to no thought involved that Jiyong is in love with him. It’s not at all a conceited thought, just an awareness in the back of his head. 

When he analyzes it, he knows that all of the things that convince him that Jiyong is in love with him are as true for him as they are for Jiyong. He likes Jiyong, respects Jiyong’s abilities, wants to spend all his time with Jiyong, wants to spend all his time looking at Jiyong. To him, Jiyong’s face is the most comforting sight in the world. 

Seungri had asked, “But is it the relationship kind of love?”

When he thinks about it, Seunghyun would be happy if he could spend every day of the rest of his life with Jiyong. He can imagine waking up next to Jiyong, cooking breakfast for Jiyong, arguing over takeout options with JIyong. He can imagine visiting each other’s families for the holidays and growing old together. The obvious conclusion is that he’s in the relationship kind of love with Jiyong. 

Seungri had asked, “Can you see yourself dating him?”

That’s where the problem crops up. Dating brings to mind romantic dinners, which are fine, but then there’s the kissing at the end. And sex.

Seunghyun’s mind goes blank when it comes to that. He hasn’t felt any urge to kiss Jiyong, much less have sex with him, since right around when they debuted. Everything he’s ever seen, read, or heard implies that those urges should go along with the desire to build a life with someone. He’s heard of people wanting to fuck someone they don’t want to marry, but he’s never heard of someone wanting to marry someone they don’t want to fuck.

His only consolation is that he can’t think of anyone he does want to fuck. He’s been living his life for some number of months waiting to want to fuck someone so that he can make a decision, but it hasn’t happened yet. 

In the meantime, he’s been hanging around with Jiyong in the odd limbo of more than friends but less than lovers. Every time Jiyong talks about a new crush, Seunghyun stays carefully positive without really encouraging. He’s doesn’t want to confuse Jiyong with his feelings, but he’s terrified of losing the time and affection he gets from Jiyong to some new lover. So Jiyong will say there’s this girl, and Seunghyun will say, “huh”, and Jiyong will say that she has a nice smile, and Seunghyun will say, “does she”, and Jiyong will wonder if he should ask her out tomorrow, and Seunghyun will say, “you could” while desperately hoping that he won’t. 

In Seungri’s harsh words, he’s stringing Jiyong along. 

Seungri had asked, “Could you _handle_ dating him?”

The implication was that Jiyong would be a difficult person to date, presumably due to his rampant infidelity. It’s certainly a valid point, but it’s not what sticks in Seunghyun’s mind as a result of the question. 

Even assuming he ever starts to want sex, Seunghyun doubts he’ll want it as often as Jiyong does. The thought of Jiyong ever committing to someone with a lower sex drive than his own is preposterous; were he to try, he’d undoubtedly fail. There’s never any lack of people offering Jiyong sex, and he’d have a hard time turning them all down if he weren’t getting what he needed from Seunghyun. They’ve all seen it happen when they’re out of town and Jiyong has a girlfriend back home. 

Seunghyun would be left to play the cuckold or leave, and Jiyong would be left with guilt. Big Bang most likely wouldn’t survive. Seunghyun’s music career most likely wouldn’t survive.

So Seunghyun concludes that he probably couldn’t handle dating Jiyong, at least not without an appearance from a sex drive that he doesn’t seem to have.

As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, Seungri’s right. It’s not fair to Jiyong for Seunghyun to keep acting interested if he’s not going to follow through.

 

Friday finds Seunghyun sitting on the couch with Jiyong, giving himself one last chance to feel any tiny spark of sexual attraction before he gives up. He’s picked a romance movie for the sole purpose of keeping Jiyong’s attention on the screen to keep him from noticing Seunghyun sneaking glances at him.

And sneak glances, he does. Jiyong is slouched on the couch next to him, the popcorn bowl awkwardly situated between them to keep Jiyong from draping himself all over Seunghyun the way he normally would. 

As usual, Jiyong looks like he put hours into his appearance, and he probably did. He’s wearing a T-shirt and jeans, but they’re a nice T-shirt and jeans. He probably spent more on each item than most people would spend on ten pairs of jeans, and he’s jazzed the whole thing up with bracelets and rings. The T-shirt is bright yellow and plays up Jiyong’s shoulders, and the pants are far too tight for a casual movie night. His hair is elegantly mussed, like he’s just had sex, only Seunghyun doubts that actually looks like that after sex, and he’s even wearing a touch of makeup. 

All in all, he’s immensely pleasing to the eye, but it doesn’t go any further than that. Seunghyun doesn’t feel any urge to ravish him on the couch the way so many of his fans do.

Dropping his eyes to Jiyong’s lips, with their deceptively cute pouty shape, he tries to imagine kissing them. Again, he feels no urge. Maybe it’s something he has to try before he’ll feel the urge, he thinks. Since experimenting like that on Jiyong would be an incredibly bad idea, he puts an end to that thought.

Suddenly Jiyong laughs at the TV, turning to share a grin with Seunghyun. Luckily Seunghyun has always found Jiyong’s smile to be infectious, so he matches Jiyong’s grin without having any idea what he’s supposed to be laughing at. 

Dropping the bowl of popcorn onto the coffee table, Seunghyun waits for Jiyong to sidle over until he can prop himself up against Seunghyun. It feels nice, like it’s always felt, but in a warm and fuzzy way, not in a sexy way. He decides to put the sex thoughts aside for the evening and enjoy his time with Jiyong the way he always does. His home feels a lot more like home with Jiyong around, even when they’re not really interacting at all.

Jiyong is fast asleep long before the movie ends, but he wakes up when the credits start to roll, saying something about work to be done. 

“It’s late,” Seunghyun tries. “You should be relaxing, not working.”

It’s never worked before, and it doesn’t now. Jiyong grins at him, “I can relax when I’m dead.”

Eventually he convinces Jiyong to stick around and write some songs with him. Jiyong asks what the song should be about, and Seunghyun suggests goodnight, mostly as a hint to Jiyong about sleeping. Jiyong makes it about a girl, instead.

 

That night, Seunghyun dreams of Jiyong kissing him for the first time in years. He doesn’t enjoy the kiss, but he does enjoy it when Jiyong starts rubbing up against him. He wakes up hard and confused, and he chalks the whole dream up to his stress about the situation. It would feel weird to get off with Jiyong asleep on the couch in the next room, so Seunghyun ignores his erection in favor of going back to sleep. 

 

The next day, Seunghyun texts Seungri to get the number of the cute girl from before. He takes her to an avant-garde art exhibition a week later, determined to do something he enjoys if he has to suffer through a date.

She arrives in a dress that flatters her curves without being overly flouncy, wearing muted makeup with softly curled hair. The effect is shockingly mature and elegant for someone Seungri told him was a college student majoring in art. He feels a little twinge of guilt, all of a sudden, at the thought that this is someone who put serious effort into what was only ever supposed to be an experiment for him.

When he thinks about it, he’d been expecting a fan, who’d expect him to be T.O.P all night.

As they enter the gallery, he offers her his arm. 

She turns out to be interested in the art on display and capable of discussing some of Seunghyun’s favorite artists. He actually enjoys the evening, and it surprises him.

For all he can appreciate the girl’s beauty, though, and for all she has some of the most perfect breasts he’s ever seen displayed quite nicely by the neckline of her dress, he doesn’t want to get any more physical with her than he wants to get with Jiyong. 

They part ways early in the evening, but Seunghyun’s awake for most of the night worrying.

The next day, Seungri asks him how the date went in front of Jiyong as they wait to board a flight to Japan. He can’t bring himself to look at Jiyong as he answers, “It was fun. She’s really nice!”

He should probably elaborate more, but he can’t breathe. Without looking, he can feel Jiyong’s eyes on him, and there are tears welling up in his own all of a sudden. Excusing himself, he puts his headphones on, and raps under his breath until his mind is empty of everything but trying to wrap his mouth around fast English words. 

When Youngbae nudges his shoulder to let him know it’s time to board, Seunghyun startles upright and accidentally makes eye contact with Jiyong, who looks away quickly. Seunghyun’s chest fills with a nasty pain that doesn’t go away for days.

 

Ten days later, Seungri asks about his date again, this time on set and away from Jiyong. “Have you asked her out on another date?”

Seunghyun shakes his head. 

“Why not? I thought you liked her!” Seungri says.

It’s hard to respond without giving away that Seunghyun doesn’t really get how dating works. What’s an appropriate time to ask her out again? Is he supposed to text her in the meantime? While he doesn’t dislike her, he doesn’t feel any particular urge to talk to her.

“Tell me you’ve at least texted her,” Seungri chides.

“Well, yes. She texted me a picture of a sculpture she likes near her work the next day. I said it was nice.”

“That’s all?”

“Um, yes. I think I might’ve blown my chances.” Seunghyun attempts to cover for his lack of dating knowledge by assuming that Seungri’s incredulous face means that he probably should have contacted her by now.

“Well, maybe,” Seungri says. “But you might still have a chance. You should text her again!”

So Seunghyun does, asking her to the movies with a quick text message. She says yes.

Figuring that he’s done his duty, he follows that up with a text asking Jiyong to hang around at his place the day after. Jiyong says no.

 

After their third date, Seungri is asking if Seunghyun has kissed her yet. Seunghyun tells him it’s none of his business. But when he still doesn’t want to kiss her after their fourth date, he cuts things off with what he thinks is a polite text.

He doesn’t feel sad about it, or at least not about the loss of the girl in his life. They got along well enough, but he never felt the urge to see her when she wasn’t around. If anything, he thought they could have made great friends, if that had only been what she wanted out of him. 

He does feel sad that Jiyong has been avoiding spending time with him outside of work. Even when he’s gone out with their mutual friends, Jiyong has declined to join them. It’s starting to occur to Seunghyun that Jiyong is hurt about Seunghyun’s attempt at dating, and he doesn’t know what to do. It would defeat the purpose of the whole thing for Seunghyun to try to comfort Jiyong, so he lets it slide. Big Bang still exists, so Jiyong won’t be able to avoid him forever.

A few days after Seunghyun’s breakup, they’ve got group activities again. Seungri is impossible to wake and has dark circles under his eyes when he finally rolls out of bed and hops in the van.

As they’re driven off to another day of work, Seunghyun wonders what it’s like to want sex enough to be willing to lose sleep over it. Perhaps it’s one of those things you don’t understand until you try it, but Seunghyun thinks Seungri must have a lot more urge to do it than he does to have even gotten that far, with their busy schedules.

“What was she like?” Seunghyun asks when Seungri has to wake up in order to get out of the van.

“Huh? Who?” Seungri looks at Seunghyun, eyebrows raised. His eyes look extra panda-like when they’re swollen from lack of sleep. 

“Whoever made you so tired.” The others trade stories about their escapades all the time, so Seunghyun doesn’t expect the question to raise any eyebrows.

There’s a quiet moment in which Seunghyun is convinced that Seungri is going to tell him to mind his own business, or make a comment about Seunghyun’s own sex life, but then Seungri bites his lip before grinning. “Hot. Long legs. Liked it rough.”

Giving Seunghyun a sly look, he continues with, “Want me to hook you up? We’re not dating or anything, but I have her number.”

Unable to suppress his cringe, Seunghyun starts to walk away.

“Aww, hyung!” Seungri calls after him. “You’re such a prude!”

“Maybe he just doesn’t want your sloppy seconds,” Jiyong says. “She probably won’t want sex again for at least a month after fucking you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Seungri’s voice gets all high and squeaky with offense, and Seunghyun has to laugh.

“It means sex with you is intense,” Jiyong answers.

Suddenly Seunghyun is glad he has his back turned to them, because the admission that Jiyong knows what sex with Seungri is like twists in his stomach.

“You never seem to have trouble with it,” Seungri says to Jiyong.

“That’s because I’m intense.”

“That’s nice, hyung,” Seungri says with no small amount of sarcasm. “Would you prefer a badge or a trophy? It could say, ‘I survived sex with Lee Seunghyun.’”

Later, Seunghyun thinks that Seungri seems a bit put out, but it’s hard to distinguish grumpy Seungri from normal Seungri when he can barely stay awake for thirty seconds at a time.

 

 

It's when he's watching the music videos for _V.V.I.P._ and _What Can I Do_ that Seunghyun notices that the scales have tipped for Seungri from awkward adolescent to attractive, confident young adult.

When they're together, he doesn't spend much time looking at Seungri; they're usually busy moving around, and he's too stressed when working on his dancing to notice little things like how Seungri is no longer an awkward, gangly teenager.

Now the cocky looks Seungri throws at the camera are almost completely convincing, because he's more solid than he was before. His face has filled out so that his strong nose and caterpillar eyebrows add distinctiveness to his face rather than engulfing it. Even the eye bags he loathes so much have begun to complement his features, Seunghyun thinks. The rest of his body has filled out enough to appear graceful even when he’s not dancing.

The effect is that Seungri is suddenly one of the most attractive people Seunghyun knows.

It turns him on.

At first he just wants to kiss Seungri’s smirk off his face. His mind fills with images of sliding his lips over Seungri’s and discovering what the inside of his mouth feels like. 

That lasts for all of about an hour before he’s daydreaming about shoving Seungri up against walls, or Seungri on his knees, or Seungri in his bed. It’s a completely new feeling for him, at least in recent years. He may have had a few stray unintentional fantasies about people he knew back in high school, but they didn’t last long.

These persist, and they’re disruptive. He’s been in a weird situation with Jiyong, in which he’ll have an intense need to make out with Jiyong sometimes when he’s home alone, but it never materializes when Jiyong is actually present. It’s a weird disconnect that he’s been trying to push to the back of his mind, because he’s managed to maintain a relatively normal friendship with Jiyong even with the artificial distance he’s put between them. As far as he can tell, the new desire for sex with him is more out of some combination of wanting to be close to the _idea_ of Jiyong and the desire to make him happy than any actual desire for sex with Jiyong. It’s confusing, and he doesn’t think that Jiyong would appreciate the sentiment. He’s certain that Jiyong’s current girlfriend wouldn’t appreciate it, and she’s his longest-running relationship yet.

Meanwhile, he wants to fuck Seungri more every time they’re together for work, which happens fairly often with GD&TOP’s promotions overlapping with his and preparations for BigBang’s comeback in full swing.

 

 

Naturally, these feelings all overlap with Seungri and Jiyong’s obsession with _Secret Garden_ , so Seunghyun actually gets a chance to try the whole kissing Seungri thing without any negative consequences (barring getting carried away on screen, which isn’t likely to happen). He doesn’t even have to pull the oldest member card to get himself the role of Kim Joowon in their parody, because Seungri and Jiyong both insist that he be Joowon right off. It’s funny how everybody always wants Seunghyun to be the lead male in their drama parodies.

With all his playboy ways, Seungri’s so perfect for the role of Oska that _everybody_ insists he take it. 

Thus, the only thing that’s in question is who else Seunghyun will have to kiss. Jiyong and Daesung briefly argue over the role of Raim, but Jiyong wins fairly easily with the argument that everyone wants to see him kiss Seunghyun and a promise that Daesung can be the bitchy mother.

Once everything is decided, Seunghyun decides to comment that the fans are too aware that their past parodies have all involved fake kisses, so it’s time to up the ante. Seungri laughs and pretends to be disgusted for the sake of all the staff around; Seunghyun’s pretty sure that Seungri wouldn’t actually be bothered by kissing anyone, barring instances of halitosis.

He’s not sure how Jiyong reacts, because he can’t quite look at Jiyong. He feels infinitely more guilt about the part of him that’s happy for an excuse to try kissing Jiyong, too, because he secretly hopes it’ll be like one of those stories where people don’t realize they’re in love until they accidentally kiss.

The difference, of course, being that Seunghyun knows damn well that he’s in love with Jiyong. He’s just missing the lust part of the equation.

Seunghyun can’t make his kiss with “Seungska” look appropriately accidental because he wants to do it too much, but he figures nobody will mind. He leans in and plants his lips on Seungri’s and is instantly frustrated that he has to do a boring drama kiss.

By all means, it should feel just like any of the other kisses he’s done on screen, but it doesn’t. The differences are minimal; Seungri’s boots bring him up almost to Seunghyun’s height, and his body is more solid than anyone else Seunghyun has kissed (barring Daesung), but his lips are on the softer end (again, barring Daesung, whom Seunghyun thankfully has no urge to fuck). 

The difference is that instead of being happy to follow the director’s instructions, Seunghyun really wants to deepen the kiss, to make out like they would in an American movie. It’s hard to hold still, and ridiculously easy to do Raim’s happy dance when “Seungska” shoves him off and splutters, because Seunghyun is feeling giddy and silly and needs an outlet for it all. 

He’s also not convinced by Seungri’s spluttering for a second.

With Jiyong, he’s so terrified of messing up that his mind goes completely blank. Jiyong looks at him with wide, fragile eyes, and Seunghyun decides to get it over with as quickly as possible with as little contact as he can manage. 

But when his lips land at the corner of Jiyong’s mouth, he feels fluttery and light and warm. It’s nothing like how he felt with Seungri, but he doesn’t want it to end any more than he wanted to stop kissing Seungri.

Jiyong’s eyes are wide when they break apart, and despite the ridiculously fake “girl” face he’s got going, Seunghyun doesn’t think the shocked look is entirely affected. 

It makes it hard to face Jiyong when the cameras are off, when Seunghyun wants to go back to his own place so that he can think over his need to kiss two different people in two completely different ways on his own. 

But then Seungri is there, demanding that Jiyong rank Seunghyun on a scale from one to Kim Joowon, and just like that the tension evaporates. Jiyong gives him an appraising look, and then he says, “Oh, maybe half a Kim Joowon?”

“What?” Seunghyun growls. “I’m at least ten Kim Joowons!”

Seungri and Jiyong both laugh.

 

Seunghyun wouldn’t have thought this was a good idea if he weren’t tipsy. The truth is, even tipsy he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Tipsy is just an excuse.

Tipsy is an excuse to go with the frustrated part of him that wants someone near him, that tells him that there’s no risk of Seungri being hurt if Seunghyun experiments with him. Seungri isn’t in love with Seunghyun, but Seungri is in love with experimentation. He’s always been more about casual sex than relationships.

So tipsy Seunghyun had texted Seungri to come over and drink with him. Even tipsiness hadn’t been enough of an excuse, so he also told himself that Seungri would be too busy clubbing or fucking (or both) and reject him.

From the way Seungri’s dressed and the lingering scents of tobacco, alcohol, and sweat on his clothes, he was definitely clubbing. And yet he’s here, in Seunghyun’s apartment now, shooting the breeze with him over alcohol when he could be dancing and having sex with the hottest club-goers in Korea. Seunghyun concludes that Seungri is either horribly ill or wants in Seunghyun’s pants, and he doesn’t look particularly unwell. 

He did insist on hooking his phone up to Seunghyun’s sound system, so Seunghyun’s apartment is filled with Seungri’s “conversation time” playlist, which mostly sounds more like a “seduction time” playlist. When Boyz II Men’s “End of the Road” comes on, Seunghyun can’t help but tease Seungri. 

“Is this how you get the ladies?” He asks. “Invite them in ‘to talk’, do a little slow dancing, then bed?”

Dragging Seungri to the middle of the room, he wraps his arms around Seungri and jokingly starts to rock back and forth to the music, movements exaggerated so that they’re jarring instead of smooth.

Trying to get away, Seungri laughs and thumps an arm against Seunghyun’s chest. 

When that fails, he gives Seunghyun a devious look and slides his arms up around Seunghyun’s shoulders. With a bit of pressure, he gets them slow dancing properly. “More like this.”

He grins up at Seunghyun, probably expecting a game of make-out chicken, but the grin starts to slide away when their eyes meet. Seunghyun feels his own smile slide away as Seungri’s warm brown eyes continue to hold his. All of a sudden, he’s acutely aware of all the places that Seungri’s body is touching his. Seungri’s back is firm and warm under Seunghyun’s arms, his thighs solid where they brush against Seunghyun’s.

At this proximity, there’s no missing the moment when Seungri’s eyes flick down to Seunghyun’s lips and no hiding it when Seunghyun mirrors the gesture. There’s also no hiding Seunghyun’s racing pulse. Their eyes meet again, and they stare at each other for a long moment, slowing to a halt. 

Seunghyun’s mind is blank as he slides a hand up to Seungri’s neck and strokes Seungri’s cheek with his thumb. It stays blank as Seungri’s eyes slide shut, and as he presses his lips to Seungri’s. Air brushes across his skin as Seungri exhales before he starts kissing back. 

His mind is full of Seungri as he deepens the kiss; Seungri’s mouth, tongue, warmth. Seungri’s arms around his shoulders pull him closer, and he responds in kind with the arm he’s got around Seungri’s waist. Seungri makes a soft little noise that makes Seunghyun think about him naked on his back, perfect legs over Seunghyun’s arms. He slides his hand up under Seungri’s shirt, going for the skin-to-skin contact Seunghyun normally avoids with pathological desperation, lets his other hand trail from Seungri’s face down to his hip, then his ass.

He’s rewarded briefly with a moan, with Seungri pressing up against him, but then Seungri freezes. 

“Hyung,” Seungri says, pulling away until their only points of contact are hands, his on the back of Seunghyun’s neck and Seunghyun’s still on his back, ass. His eyes are wide, now, and devastated. “Fuck, hyung. I can’t do this to Jiyong.”

“Jiyong?” Seunghyun hisses, beyond caring that Seungri can’t be bothered with appropriate honorifics. “What does he care? He’s all wrapped up in Kiko.”

“And how long do you think that’ll last?” Seungri asks. “He still loves you, and he’s my friend. He’ll be devastated if he finds out about you fucking anyone other than him, and it’ll be a million times worse if I’m the one who does it.”

Seunghyun frowns. “I don’t know, he seems pretty head over heels.”

“He’s always like that. Then he falls for someone else a few months later or starts to miss fucking guys, cheats, gets his ass dumped, writes a bunch of sad songs and has tons of sex, and starts all over again.”

“So what, I’m supposed to wait around for the break up?” Seunghyun says. “I’m too old for that shit. And why would I pursue him when I know he’d end up cheating on me, too?”

“Hyung,” Seungri moves to sit on the couch and looks pensively at his hands. “Do you ever think some people are made to love more than one person at once?”

The sudden change of topic is disorienting. Seunghyun wants to make a jibe about whether they’re talking about love or lust, but Seungri looks too serious. It occurs to Seunghyun that they may not just be talking about Jiyong. He settles next to Seungri on the sofa while he searches for an answer.

“I’ve never really thought about it,” he says, truthfully. “I guess it could happen. It would be tough to manage, wouldn’t it?”

There’s not much else that he can say, so he reaches over to massage the base of Seungri’s neck. He could ask if that’s how Seungri is, but he realizes that he knows the answer already.

After a few moments of silence, Seungri sighs and rests his head on Seunghyun’s shoulder. “But think about it. Don’t you ever get frustrated when they ask what type of girl you like in interviews? 

“I mean, I like delicate girls because they make me feel strong. But I also like girls who take the lead. And I like men. And why should I choose between them?”

Laughing, Seunghyun ruffles his hair. “You’re just making yourself sound like a spoiled idol.”

Seungri crosses his arms and sits quietly for another moment, ignoring the jab completely. 

“Or think of it like this: when I’m with Big Bang, everyone spoils me because I’m the maknae. That’s fun, but when I’m with people younger than me, I get to take the lead and be in charge. That’s also fun. There’s no one specific type of relationship I enjoy more than another, and I’d be sad if I couldn’t have both.”

Seunghyun hmms. “I think I see what you mean. But don’t you get jealous when someone you love is with someone else?”

Seungri thinks on that for a moment, frowning. “I don’t really know about that part. I don’t do love. And Jiyong gets jealous, but I think it’s just because he’s trying to force himself to stick to traditional relationships.”

He won’t meet Seunghyun’s eyes, and Seunghyun doesn’t know how to respond. He thinks something’s wrong when Seungri says he ‘doesn’t do love’, but most people wouldn’t believe him if he tried to explain his own sexuality and romantic attractions. Who is he to judge what Seungri wants?

Seungri looks sad, so Seunghyun pats his shoulder, at a loss for what to say. Watching Seungri’s face, Seunghyun realizes just how much of a mistake he’d made in thinking that he could have a casual experiment with him. He wants nothing more than to make Seungri feel better, now. 

If things weren’t so complicated, he’d distract Seungri with kisses and drag him off to snuggle in bed, because there’s never really been anything casual about his feelings for Seungri.

 

Seungri knocks on his door early one evening after they’ve been filming in Japan all day. Seunghyun finds himself pinned to the nearest wall as soon as he’s let Seungri in, caught up in a ferocious kiss. Too shocked to resist, he kisses back for a moment until a whiff of Jiyong’s favorite cologne reminds him of why they haven’t done this already.

With his palms against Seungri’s shoulders, he manages to shove Seungri back. “What the fuck are you doing, Seungri?”

Seungri is panting. His eyebrows furrow over narrowed eyes. “What’s wrong? You wanted me before.”

“And you stopped me because you didn’t want to hurt Jiyong. What gives?”

“Fuck Jiyong,” Seungri says. “It’s not like he cares if he hurts me.”

Seunghyun stares. Jiyong would never knowingly hurt Seungri, barring when he’s on something that dulls his ability to care about things that aren’t himself. “That’s not true, and you know it.”

Seungri’s shoulders sag suddenly, and his eyes start to look too bright. He looks at Seunghyun imploringly. “Then why does he keep doing it?”

This face looks like the Seungri he saw after the last time they kissed, and Seunghyun thinks he gets what’s going on. Wrapping his arms around Seungri’s shoulders, he holds on and waits for the tears to start as Seungri begins to shudder. Seungri’s fingers come to grip the back of Seunghyun’s shirt, and Seunghyun waddles them back to the bed, where he rubs at Seungri’s shoulders while Seungri sobs into his shoulder.

At one point Seunghyun’s phone goes off with Jiyong’s ringtone. He’s torn, certain that Jiyong is upset, too, but he obviously can’t console both of them at the same time. Seungri is Seunghyun’s more immediate concern, so he lets the phone ring its way too voicemail. There’s only so much he can do for Jiyong.

When the worst of the sobs have subsided, Seunghyun learns that Jiyong had approached Seungri for sex after their schedule today, but Seungri had pushed him away and left.

“Why?” Seunghyun asks, petting the back of Seungri’s head soothingly.

“He doesn’t care,” Seungri’s voice breaks. “It’s not me he wants. I could be any guy. He’s just taking out his frustration that he can’t have you.”

Seungri sniffles, then carries on. “So I was going to fuck you just to hurt him. I’m an ass, hyung. I’m sorry.”

A couple more sobs break loose, and Seungri tries to turn away. Seunghyun pulls him back to the already damp patch on his shirt. “Everyone does stupid things when they’re angry. It’s okay.”

After a few moments, when Seungri’s sobs peter out again, Seunghyun says, “You need to tell him, though. He wouldn’t do this if he knew it was hurting you. He thinks you’re just friends with benefits.”

Sniffling, Seungri says, “I can’t do that. Then he’d know I was in love with him, and he’d get uncomfortable and stop being my friend. And Big Bang might be over.”

Seunghyun sighs. “Even if you’re right, would it really be worse than this?”

“How can you ask that?”

“How many years has this all been going on? He’s not going to change, and he’s got years before he has to go into the military.”

Seunghyun swallows and continues. “And in the meantime, he’s just going to trample all over your feelings because he doesn’t know about them while you pretend you ‘don’t do love’, and one of these days you’re going to start to hate me, too.”

Seungri shakes his head and looks up at Seunghyun with puffy eyes and a rueful smile. “I can’t hate you. I’ve tried. I like you too much.”

“Good,” Seunghyun laughs, wishing Seungri hadn’t cut his hair too short to ruffle properly. He wonders if he can find a way to keep Seungri from hating him forever, because he doubts that what Seungri says can stay true for long.

Breaking away, Seungri lies back against the pillows and stretches his entire body, arms going over his head. The action makes his shirt ride up to reveal the smooth skin and muscles of his belly, and Seunghyun can’t look away as Seungri rolls onto his stomach to finish the stretch and reveals his lower back in the process. 

Sighing, Seungri shifts back onto his side and slides over to sling an arm over Seunghyun’s side. Seunghyun stares past him to the clock on the nightstand, trying not to think about all that skin pressing up against him. The digital numbers burn their images onto his retinas but don’t do a thing to stop his body’s reaction to a warm, solid, no longer crying Seungri burrowing his face into Seunghyun’s neck. Seungri’s breath fluttering softly against his neck does him in.

They lie that way for a while, with Seungri’s breaths growing even against Seunghyun’s throat and Seunghyun wondering if he’s too tired to notice the racing pulse in Seunghyun’s throat. Then Seungri tries to snuggle closer and freezes, noticing Seunghyun’s problem at last. He snickers into Seunghyun’s throat before falling back against the pillows to look at him.

“This is such a mess,” he laughs as Seunghyun sighs and rakes a hand through his own hair in frustration. “What are we going to do with ourselves?”

There’s no answer for that, so Seunghyun doesn’t bother to come up with one. After a moment, Seungri bites his lip and gives him a sideways glance that would be more seductive if his eyes weren’t swollen almost all the way shut. “A little casual sex couldn’t really make anything worse, could it?”

“I don’t do casual sex,” Seunghyun replies, laughing helplessly at Seungri’s one-track mind.

“Oh, right,” Seungri says. He frowns. “Why _don’t_ you?”

“I’m not wired that way,” Seunghyun says. It’s an amazingly brief way to sum up an idea that took him years to understand.

Seungri looks pointedly at Seunghyun’s crotch. “You sure about that?”

Seunghyun sighs. He doesn’t want to explain, but it seems idiotic when he was just encouraging Seungri to be honest about his feelings. “I’m sure. I really have to care about someone before I’m physically attracted at all.”

Plus some extra years and maybe some magic fairy dust, Seunghyun thinks, knowing he’ll probably never know exactly how or why he starts to want to have sex with people. It’s more information than Seungri needs right now, anyway.

“Oh,” Seungri says. He’s quiet for a moment, then his eyes widen. Propping himself up on a hand, he looks at Seunghyun and says, “OHHHHHHHHHHH.”

He holds the position for a couple moments, then sighs and flops back against his pillow. “We’re _really_ a mess.”

Seunghyun grunts his agreement.

Looking back at him, Seungri says, “Wait, what about Jiyong-hyung?”

“Hmm?” Lost in his thoughts about just how fucked they are, it takes Seunghyun a moment to figure out what Seungri’s asking. “Oh. Him too.”

“Since when?” Seungri asks. 

“I’ve probably always been in love with him,” Seunghyun says. “Sexual attraction didn’t happen until we did GD&TOP.”

Seungri’s staring at him like he’s grown an extra head, so he laughs. “I know, it probably doesn’t make sense to you.”

Seungri gives him a soft smile. “It might, if you give me time. How many people are you in love with, total?”

“Two,” Seunghyun answers.

“Oh,” Seungri says. His smile drops.

“Don’t worry, I won’t be weird about it,” Seunghyun says, hoping to cut down on Seungri’s discomfort.

“I know,” Seungri sighs. He starts to get up, “I should go, though. I don’t want to take advantage.”

The comment brings to mind the reason they’re having this discussion to begin with, so Seunghyun grabs his arm. “No, you should stay.”

Seungri gives him a wary look, says, “Hyung…”

“I know,” Seunghyun cuts in. “I know you, and I know I’ve just made everything more of a confusing mess than it already was. But you’re also my friend, and you’re hurting. As a friend, I don’t want you to be alone right now, or to go out and get drinks with someone and have to pretend to be happy all night just so you’re not alone. And I know that’s what you’ll do if you leave now. So stay here for the night.”

He pins Seungri with a glare, and Seungri sits back down on the bed. Satisfied that he won’t leave, Seunghyun gets up and retrieves a bottle of water from the minibar, which he passes to Seungri. “You’re going to want this.”

Seungri takes the water and smiles again. “Thanks, hyung.”

 

After that, Seungri takes to showing up at Seunghyun’s door at odd hours. Occasionally it’ll be early in the evening, and he’ll be the neat and tidy Seungri that the fans see. More often, he’s wearing rumpled clothes and smells like a mixture of alcohol, cigarettes, and other people’s perfume. Once or twice he shows up with scratch marks or a limp.

He almost never says anything, just clings to Seunghyun until he takes them to bed (or in some instances the shower, if the smell is just too much). He also never tries anything remotely sexual, just snuggles up to Seunghyun and sleeps. Seunghyun sleeps too, once he’s given up worrying about scandals and sexually transmitted infections and other things that were easier to ignore when he wasn’t so blatantly confronted with Seungri’s exploits.

Eventually, Seunghyun gives him a key so that he doesn’t have to keep getting out of bed at whatever hour Seungri decides to show up. After that, he notices that Seungri usually showers before he climbs into Seunghyun’s bed.

 

Seungri calls Seunghyun late one night when he’s trying to catch some much-needed sleep after flying back to Korea from drama filming in Japan for Big Bang promotions. Irritated, Seunghyun ignores the phone and covers his head with his pillow. 

The phone buzzes its usual three times, then stops. When it buzzes with a voicemail after a few seconds, Seunghyun starts to ponder listening to it. Then the phone starts buzzing again.

“What the fuck, Seungri?” Seunghyun growls into the phone. “The world better be ending.”

“Nice to hear your voice, too, hyung,” Seungri teases, followed by a peremptory, “Don’t hang up on me. This is important!”

“I’m telling you, it better be.”

“Jiyong-hyung broke up with Kiko,” Seungri says.

Oh. Seunghyun is silent for a second, processing. “How do you know that?”

“I mean, it was kind of obvious from all the moping he’s been doing, but I’d have to say that him calling me for a rebound fuck was the dead giveaway.”

“So why are you calling me?” Ordinarily he’d joke about a threesome, but he’s too busy battling exhaustion and the sudden knot building up in his stomach as it starts to occur to him that shit is getting real.

“Because I thought this might be a good time for you to talk to him about those feelings of yours? You know, before he goes and jumps into another relationship. Don’t be dense, hyung.”

“In the middle of the night?”

“What, like he ever sleeps? Look, I told him I needed to catch a shower and then I’d be over. That gives you like five minutes to get out the door. Are you going? ‘Cause if you aren’t, I need to go get my hot Jiyong rebound sex.”

“I’m going, I’m going.”

Seunghyun rolls out of bed and grabs a pair of sweatpants from his floor, then thinks better of it and finds some nicely folded jeans and a non-wrinkly hoodie in his closet. Any lingering paparazzos do not need to have reason to think Seunghyun just dragged himself out of bed to talk to Jiyong. He shoves a hat with a brim on his head to hide his mussed hair and puffy eyes, then wears sunglasses until he gets in his car just in case.

He spends the whole ride over pondering what to say, but he still doesn’t feel ready when he buzzes Jiyong’s apartment from the entrance to his building. This is a day he’s been trying to figure out for years. 

“You don’t look like the Seunghyun I was looking for,” Jiyong’s voice comes out of the speaker. Seunghyun adjusts the brim of his hat to bat his eyelashes at the little camera that’s transmitting his face to Jiyong’s apartment.

“There’s something wrong with you, then. I’m the hotter Seunghyun.”

The buzz from the gate letting him know that it’s unlocked is all the acknowledgement his comment receives. His feet take him to Jiyong’s apartment on autopilot, and he slips inside.

Jiyong shoves the door shut behind him. He's wearing nothing but boxers and the plastic sandals he keeps in the entryway for answering the door and quick trips to the mailbox. His hair is mussed, eyelids puffy, and he generally looks like shit. He eyes Seunghyun warily. "Why are you here?"

"Seungri sent me," Seunghyun says. Now that he can see the shape Jiyong is in, he realizes that the whole idea is selfish and ill-conceived. What Jiyong needs right now is clearly the mindless contact he’d requested from Seungri, not a difficult conversation with Seunghyun the elder. Jiyong’s breakup should be about Jiyong’s feelings, not about Seunghyun’s feelings for him.

On the other hand, he can understand that Seungri was worried about stepping on his toes. He’s even fucked up Jiyong’s easy sex by telling Seungri about his feelings.

Jiyong doesn't move. "Why?”

His arms are crossed, mouth stiff. All Seunghyun wants to do is hold him, or find some other way to make him feel better, and he doesn't really have words to explain why he's here. He ruffles a hand through his hair in frustration.

Words failing to appear, he decides to try action and wraps his arms around Jiyong’s shoulders and pulls him close. It feels wonderful for all of a second, and then Jiyong shoves him away and stares.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Seunghyun cringes. It was a bad idea from the start.

"I don’t know. You look sad, and I want to make you feel better," he says. It's a stupid comment, just like the hug was a stupid idea. The hug wouldn't make Jiyong feel better, not when he doesn’t know how Seunghyun feels, and Seunghyun should've known that.

Jiyong stares at him. "You haven’t tried to make me feel better in years.”

“I haven’t been the first person you told about your breakups in years. You just show up for things hiding behind your sunglasses for a while, and you don’t tell me until you’ve written sixty songs about it already.”

Jiyong sighs. “It’s probably for the best if you just leave me be.”

"Why? So you can write songs about how alone you are?"

He’s getting defensive even though he knows he’s the one who fucked up. Seunghyun wants to kick himself.

"It's not like you being here is going to make me feel any less alone," Jiyong shouts, and Seunghyun thinks it's the first time they've fought. 

"Well, it's not my fault you're so wrapped up in that idea.”

"Yes, it is." Jiyong's starts to deflate again. "Why do you think I don’t tell you about my breakups? You’re just an extra reminder of all the things I can’t have."

It’s the closest Jiyong has ever come to an overt confession of his feelings for Seunghyun.

"Who says you can’t have me?" Even ignoring the glaringly obvious lie in that statement, now is not the time to be talking about this. Not when Jiyong is hurting over someone else.

Jiyong scrutinizes his face. "What are you saying? I don't want to be your pity fuck."

"It's not about pity," Seunghyun says, nearly shouting. "I love you."

The deer-in-the-headlights look that gets is gratifying, in a way. Jiyong goes completely still. "Since when?"

"Since the beginning, I guess."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I wasn't sure. Kind of. It’s complicated. And by the time I was sure, you were head over heels for Kiko."

At the mention of her name, Jiyong looks away, deflates a little more.

"That doesn't change anything, anyway. I still can't have you."

"Why not?"

"You know why not. I'm unreliable. I'll hurt you and fuck up Big Bang."

"No, you won't." Seunghyun says.

"Yes, I will. Do you understand? I cheated on Kiko. I really thought it was love this time, and everything would be easy, but then I needed affection when she wasn’t around and cheated. What if I do that to you?"

"I-" Seunghyun pauses. "Let me ask you something. Are you in love with me?"

Jiyong's throat bobs as he nods. "I am. But that's not the point-"

"I know what your point is," Seunghyun cuts in. "Just let me make this point. How long has it been?"

"Huh?" Jiyong’s eyebrows furrow in irritation. "How much do you want to humiliate me?"

Seunghyun just looks at him.

"Since I was 18? 19?" Jiyong says.

"Right. So it's been years. And in those years, how many other people have you been in love with?" Seunghyun lifts a hand and starts ticking off fingers with names, all the women Jiyong has gushed at him about.

"So what's your point?"

"You've never stopped, have you? Even when you were head over heels for Kiko, you were still just as much in love with me."

Without waiting for Jiyong to agree or refute the comment, he takes a breath and forges on, "So my point is, I don't think you're designed to love only one person at a time. That's just not who you are. And there's too much of you-" Jiyong's eyebrows start to draw down at that, so Seunghyun tries to rephrase "-you have more needs than any one person could expect to be able to fulfill all on their own.

And I'm okay with that, because I’m the same in some ways. You’re not the only person I’m in love with, and I don't need you to love only me. After all this time, I know you're not going to stop. As long as you don't start ignoring me, I'm fine."

The words dry up, and Jiyong is just staring at him. Eventually he seems to realize that Seunghyun has run out of things to say, and his breath rushes out in a sigh. Raking a hand through his hair, he straightens up.

"Um," he says. Pauses. Tries again, "Um. That's a lot to think about."

He rubs his hand through his hair and looks at Seunghyun again, clearly bewildered.

Nodding, Seunghyun looks down at his feet. "I get that. I can get out of your way and let you think about it, if you want."

Biting his lip, Jiyong nods. "Yeah, I think that would be for the best."

"Shall I call Seungri and tell him to come over now? He seemed mightily disappointed about missing out on ‘hot Jiyong-hyung rebound sex.’”

Jiyong’s eyes flash up to his. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” Seunghyun says.

"You won't mind if I fuck him?"

It’s tempting to say no and leave, but there’s one last point to make. “Would you mind if _I_ fucked him?”

Jiyong’s jaw drops. “Can I watch?”

Seunghyun grins. “Maybe someday. But that’s not really my point. This won’t work if I’m just sitting at home alone while you’re out with other people. I’ll need my own relationships, and I’ll need you to be okay with them. And Seungri will be one of those relationships.”

Jiyong regards him seriously. “I’ll think about that, too.”

“And as for Seungri,” Seunghyun continues. “He’s as invested in our continued careers as we are, he’s hot, and he understands how you work. There are obviously worse choices for casual sex.”

"That's why he's my go-to for rebound sex," Jiyong grins, some of the tension easing out of his shoulders.

“Just remember that he’s human, Jiyong, and he’s got feelings behind that airheaded slut act he puts on. And it’s not really my place to talk about them, but none of this is going to work if you two don’t talk about that.”

Seunghyun turns to go, feeling odd that he doesn't need to put his shoes on because he never got far enough into Jiyong's apartment to take them off, but he pauses to say one more thing.

"And Jiyong?" Jiyong looks up. "I'm sorry for bringing this up now. It was selfish of me."

Jiyong sighs and smiles wearily at him, "I'll live."

With that, Seunghyun slips out the door and goes back to his own place to wait for a harrowing few days before Jiyong calls him again.

 

Seungri’s sitting on Seunghyun’s couch when he gets back, dozing in front of some late-night documentary about birds. His hair is a mess, eyes bleary. 

Yawning, he gets up when Seunghyun walks in. “That was fast.”

Seunghyun nods. “He said he’d have to think about it. I think he was going to request that rebound sex again, too, so you might be getting a-”

Seungri’s across the room in a couple of strides and kissing Seunghyun, one hand sneaking up to tangle in his hair. Seunghyun lets him, for a while, enjoying the familiar feeling of Seungri’s body against his coupled with the rarer feeling of Seungri’s lips, tongue and teeth. Eventually he breaks away just enough to speak, keeping an arm around Seungri’s lower back and rubbing circles with his thumb there.

He doesn’t even have to voice his question. Seungri looks at him and says, “He’s got your offer on the table. I wanted to make sure you know what mine includes, just in case he tries to negotiate me out.”

There’s a hook there, like Seungri wants Seunghyun to ask what it includes, so that he can proceed to prove his sexual prowess to keep Seunghyun from leaving him. Like he thinks that Seunghyun might leave him to live in blissful monogamy with Jiyong. It breaks Seunghyun’s heart.

Instead of following Seungri’s obvious mental script, Seunghyun bends down and kisses him gently. His instinct in this situation is to cede to Seungri’s authority in the field of sex and let him lead, in much the same way as he’d done with dancing, starting out, but he quashes that instinct in favor of holding Seungri back when he gets too eager. As much as he knows he’s a bumbling neophyte when it comes to sex, he needs Seungri to know that it’s not just about wanting to get into his pants. 

So he guides Seungri back to the bed and gets their shirts off before tumbling them onto it, but when Seungri’s hands start to fumble at his belt, Seunghyun takes them by the wrists and guides them away. The move seems to get the message across, as Seungri turns pliant in his arms.

Seunghyun turns it into a game to see how long he can keep them both aroused. He kisses Seungri for what feels like a century, reveling in the feeling of Seungri’s bare skin against his own bare chest, Seungri’s arms wrapped around his shoulders. He rocks into Seungri’s body slowly, wrapping a hand around his cock to make sure he stays interested but backing off every time either of them gets too close to orgasm for a long, long while. He keeps his eyes locked on Seungri’s and drinks in every little variant on his name that drops from Seungri’s mouth.

When it finally ends, after Seungri’s body has pulled tight around his own and then relaxed, he’s alarmed to see tears in Seungri’s eyes.

“Are you all right?” He asks, wiping at one tear as it slides down the side of Seungri’s face.

“Yes.” Sniffling, Seungri smiles tentatively at him. Then he says, “I mean, no. But not in a bad way. That was just intense.”

He straightens and burrows his head against Seunghyun’s chest, throwing an arm over his side. His rueful laugh sends a puff of air against Seunghyun’s skin.

“Girls cry after sex, sometimes,” he says with another sniffle. “It always scares the shit out of me, but they always say it means the sex was really good. I think I see what they mean.”

Seunghyun grins and ruffles his hair. “Am I hearing that I’m good at sex?”

Seungri hums and wriggles up to the pillows to kiss him, then smirks. “Best virgin I’ve ever fucked.”

He falls asleep in Seunghyun’s arms shortly after that, but Seunghyun stays awake despite the late hour, appreciating the disappearance of a tension that was present every time they were in bed together before. Lee Seunghyun is his, he thinks. Not only his, but partial ownership is fine by him, like stocks in a company he’d like to see succeed. 

“You’re non-negotiable,” Seunghyun says to Seungri’s sleeping face. It’s a cheesy drama line, and he’s cringing over saying it even with nobody around to hear when he realizes that someone does need to hear it. Actions may speak louder than words, but they don’t always say everything that needs to be said. 

He gives Seungri’s shoulder a shake. “Seunghyun-ah, did you hear me?”

Seungri’s eyes slide open. “What?”

“I said,” Seunghyun says, like he thought Seungri was awake. “You’re non-negotiable. I told Jiyong that.”

He should have said it before they had sex, but he hopes that the sentiment will still make it across.

Seungri’s eyes widen momentarily, and then he smiles. “Good.”

Sunlight is shining through the crack between the curtains when Seunghyun wakes up. He doesn’t move for a long while, choosing instead to bask in the special sleepiness that comes when one has already slept for a very long time. Seungri’s back is warm against Seunghyun’s chest.

Idly, Seunghyun slides his fingers over the skin around Seungri’s bellybutton. Seungri has amazingly soft skin, he thinks. Seungri is overall amazing, really. 

He’s playing with the fluff of Seungri’s happy trail when Seungri shifts against him. 

“Morning, hyung,” Seungri says. “Are you molesting me in my sleep?”

Seunghyun snickers with his mouth closed, because his face is right behind Seungri’s head. The last thing he needs is to offend the sexiest man alive with his morning breath.

“Oh, are you playing the strong, silent type again? Nobody’s fooled by that, you know,” Seungri says, squirming until he’s lying over Seunghyun’s stomach, with his head and shoulders peeking over the edge of the bed. 

Not seeing what he wants, he looks up at Seunghyun and asks, “Hyung, where’re my pants?”

Seungri really is amazing, Seunghyun thinks, laughing at his terrible bedhead and puffy morning eyelids. 

“More towards the foot of the bed, I think,” Seunghyun says. 

Seungri grimaces and squirms around to peer over the foot of the bed, affording Seunghyun an excellent view of his legs and ass in the process. The bed wiggles as Seungri reaches off the bed to grab something, and then he’s scooting back up to the pillows and pressing a piece of gum into Seunghyun’s hand.

Seunghyun pulls it out of its wrapper and chews it while Seungri sits back on the bed and does the same with his own piece. Seunghyun watches him while he chews, grinning.

When he’s satisfied that the mint has overpowered his halitosis, he says, “You keep gum in your pants?”

Seungri grins at him. “You never know when you’re going to meet someone really attractive when you’ve just eaten fish.”

Seungri chews on his gum for a moment longer, then spits it into its wrapper and tosses it over to the wastebasket, cheering when it lands properly. Seunghyun copies him and grunts when he misses.

“Now,” Seungri says, crawling up to put his arms on either side of Seunghyun’s head. “Weren’t you starting something earlier?”

The truth is, he hadn’t meant to be. Seunghyun had just been enjoying the intimacy of touching Seungri in places he couldn’t outside of their homes. Still, he’s got no objection to putting his hand back where it was.

“Was I?” He teases, grinning at Seungri while running a finger down along his chest. “Where was I with that?”

In response, Seungri grabs his hand and moves it back down below his belly button, grumbling about incorrigible teases.

Seunghyun uses his free hand to pull Seungri down for a kiss while he rubs his thumb in gentle circles above Seungri’s cock. Seungri kisses back languidly, seemingly still happy to follow Seunghyun’s lead.

When Seunghyun pulls his hand up to lick it, assuming Seungri doesn’t usually carry around enough lube for a second round, Seungri lifts one of his hands and waves it in Seunghyun’s face. Nestled in his palm is a little packet of lube. 

Seunghyun snorts as Seungri drops to his side on the bed and rips the packet open. Grabbing Seunghyun’s hand, Seungri wordlessly lifts an eyebrow at him as he squeezes the contents of the packet into Seunghyun’s palm. The message is easy enough to read. 

This new position is nice, Seunghyun thinks, so he wraps his free arm around Seungri’s shoulders to nestle him against his side. He works his other hand around Seungri’s half-hard cock.

Seungri tangles a hand in Seunghyun’s hair and kisses him while he grows harder under Seunghyun’s ministrations. He’s fully hard and breathing heavily when he breaks off to rest his head on the pillow beside Seunghyun’s.

“Hyung,” he says. “Do you remember what you called me last night?”

It only takes a moment for Seunghyun to catch on. “Seunghyun-ah?”

Seungri’s breath catches, and he twitches in Seunghyun’s hand. “Yeah, that.”

“What about it?” Seunghyun asks, although he’s pretty sure he’s got the message.

“Just say it,” Seungri says, hiding his face in Seunghyun’s shoulder.

“Seunghyun,” Seunghyun says, tongue lingering on syllables that feel different, less tentative, when he’s using them to refer to someone else. Seungri moans into his shoulder and thrusts into his hand, and Seunghyun feels himself getting hard despite his earlier lack of interest.

They lie that way, with Seungri curled along Seunghyun’s side, making happy little gasps and moans, until Seungri spills over Seunghyun’s hand, and for a little bit longer after that.

After another slow kiss, Seungri looks at Seunghyun and asks, “Hyung, can I suck you off?”

Seunghyun just nods, then follows Seungri’s order to sit up against the headboard. Sprawling out across the bed, Seungri smirks up at Seunghyun from crotch-level before he goes to work.

Blowjobs are pretty much what they’re cracked up to be, Seunghyun thinks, but he’s nearly as taken with the sight of Seungri’s smooth, naked back and ass between his legs as he is by the wet heat around his dick; here’s Seungri devoting himself to making Seunghyun feel good, completely exposed and not at all bothered by it. Seunghyun is happy to let himself fall apart under Seungri’s hands and tongue and lips.

Seungri’s resting his head on Seunghyun’s thigh, looking up at Seunghyun and showing off his damp, swollen lips as Seunghyun recovers, when Seungri’s phone starts playing Jiyong’s “Breathe.” Seungri frowns. “That’s Jiyong’s ringtone.”

Seunghyun passes him the phone, and Seungri scoots up to sit against the headboard with him. 

“Hey, hyung,” Seungri says.

“Seungri-yah,” Seunghyun can hear Jiyong’s voice clearly at this proximity. “You sound like you just sucked a nice, fat dick.”

Seunghyun snorts, unsure if Jiyong can really tell from Seungri’s voice or if that’s just a customary greeting between them. It could go either way.

“And what if I did?” Seungri asks, dropping his voice dramatically. He smacks his lips and grins at Seunghyun.

“Then I’d have to be a good leader and remind you to be careful who you fall asleep next to,” Jiyong growls. “It’s not a good scandal if it involves you sucking someone’s dick.”

Jiyong’s concern is fair; Seungri’s not always cautious, and he obviously knows a lot about having sex with men.

Eyes flicking toward the ceiling, Seungri says, “Don’t worry, your boyfriend is trustworthy.”

“My what?”

“Sorry, hyung. You returned your Seunghyun with his virginity intact,” Seungri says. “I could hardly leave him that way.”

There’s a pause, during which Seunghyun hopes Jiyong is just rolling his eyes, followed by, “G-Dragon is desperately hoping that you didn’t film that, but Kwon Jiyong is desperately hoping that you _did_. Anyway, I was calling to ask if you can come over today? We need to talk.”

Seungri’s smile drops away, but he agrees. After he hangs up the phone he leans his head on Seunghyun’s shoulder for a long while. Neither of them speaks; Seunghyun’s thoughts are too muddled for him to say anything out loud, and he assumes it’s the same for Seungri. Eventually he catches his thoughts running in circles and pulls Seungri back to him for a long kiss, figuring that it’s pointless to worry about what Jiyong will say before he says it.

 

It’s a solid sixteen hours after Seungri leaves to meet up with Jiyong before Seunghyun hears from either of them. He gets more and more distressed as the time passes, wondering if he’s fucked it up with both of them. Eventually, Seungri sends him a text that reads, _I can’t believe you told him. >:[_

 _Sorry. I had to._ Seunghyun texts back, hoping that Seungri will understand.

 _I know,_ is Seungri’s eventual response.

When nothing follows that, Seunghyun texts again to ask how it went. Seungri’s only response is a thumbs up emoji.

 

It takes a few days of Seunghyun trying not to rot with jealousy before Jiyong contacts him again. Seungri doesn’t show up to crawl into bed with him at all, and despite his certainty about Jiyong’s feelings for him, Seunghyun starts to worry that he and Seungri have decided to make a go of things as a couple.

When Jiyong does reach out, it’s only a tiny text inviting himself over. 

He’s barely in the door before he’s sliding his arms up around Seunghyun’s shoulders, inviting himself in for a hug. Seunghyun wraps his arms around Jiyong’s back in response but doesn’t cling, afraid to hope that this is what it feels like. They stay like that for a few minutes, with Jiyong pressing his face into Seunghyun’s shoulder, before Jiyong slides his arms down in front of Seunghyun’s chest to grab his collar and pull him down for a kiss. 

As he pulls down, he also stands up onto his toes to reach, and Seunghyun pulls his arms tighter and lower to support Jiyong’s weight. 

It’s a soft, exploratory kiss, unhurried and tame, two things Seunghyun doesn’t really associate with Jiyong. Reveling in the soft feeling of Jiyong’s lips against his, he guides them over to the couch to sit down so that Jiyong won’t have to strain so much to kiss him. 

Jiyong is in his lap immediately, hands beneath his ears, pressing little kisses along his jawline. Seunghyun slides his hands into Jiyong’s hair and lets him, enjoying the unpressured warmth of the moment even as the questions build up.

Eventually he nudges Jiyong back with one hand, the other holding his waist to keep him from leaving Seunghyun’s lap.

He doesn’t even need to put words to the question on his mind; Jiyong starts to answer after a moment of staring at Seunghyun. 

“I don’t know if you’re right,” he starts. “But I want you to be. And I can’t think of anything better. So I think we should give it a try. I can’t make any promises, though.”

With a sigh of relief, Seunghyun pulls Jiyong back against his chest. Can anyone ever really make promises in love? “Try is good enough for me.”

Jiyong kisses him again, then, and they lose themselves in it until Jiyong’s breath hitches on a sniffle. He tries to pull away, then, and hide his face, but Seunghyun tugs his hands out of the way and kisses his cheeks, nose, forehead as sobs start to rack his body. It’s probably cause for concern, he thinks, that people he cares about keep crying on him, but he knows that a lot of this has nothing to do with him. It’ll take more than a week for Jiyong to get over Kiko, assuming he ever really does.

Seunghyun ends up rocking slowly into Jiyong in bed as the tears start to dry, trying to communicate with actions how much he cares and how determined he is to make this work. Despite his earlier concerns, it isn’t hard to want Jiyong. His arousal comes as he removes Jiyong’s shirt to trace his lips down beautifully-defined shoulders and over tattoos, when all he can think about is taking care of Jiyong.

Jiyong dozes lightly against him, after, and Seunghyun tries not to smother him with kisses and hugs just to confirm that this is really happening. He’s settled for tracing his thumb down Jiyong’s side when Jiyong looks up at him and smiles.

“I should thank you, by the way.”

“Why?” Seunghyun says. He curls closer, taking the conversation as a cue that Jiyong isn’t sick of him yet.

“For that tip about Seungri,” Jiyong winces. “I hadn’t noticed. I feel like an ass.”

“I think he’s got a lot of practice at hiding things,” Seunghyun says, intending to assuage Jiyong’s feelings of guilt.

Instead, Jiyong covers his eyes with a hand. “I wonder how much of that is because of me, though.”

Peeling Jiyong’s fingers back, Seunghyun runs a soothing thumb over his cheek. “I’m not saying you’re blameless, but I know you didn’t mean to hurt him, Jiyong.”

Jiyong winces again and opens his mouth, but Seunghyun covers it with his thumb.

“Recently,” he amends. “I don’t know about that first time, all those years ago, but you were barely any less of a child than he was.”

“He’s so forgiving,” Jiyong’s eyes start to glitter with tears again. “You’re so forgiving. Why?”

“Why not?” Seunghyun asks. “We know you, and we love you. Both of us.”

He hesitates, then asks something that’ll bug him otherwise. “But can you forgive me?”

Lips quivering just a bit, Jiyong gives him a tiny smile. “Yes, as long as you promise to tell me everything.”

It’s not without some trepidation that Seunghyun makes the promise, but he does. Jiyong needs to know.

 

Seunghyun is sitting in bed, browsing the internet when Seungri’s phone starts to play Jiyong’s “Breathe.” 

Quirking an eyebrow at Seungri, Seunghyun asks, “Want me to get that?”

“Nah, I got it.” Seungri stops what he’s been doing, reaching across Seunghyun with the hand that isn’t currently down his own pants to grab the phone. 

“Hyung, what’s going on?” he says into the receiver with a voice that’s only slightly gruff. In a few more minutes he would have been out of breath, but he’d only gotten himself to the point of the occasional hitch in his breath.

Seunghyun looks over Seungri where he’s propped against the pillows while he frowns into the phone. He’s dressed for sleep, in a thin T-shirt that doesn’t hide the shape of his body underneath it at all and loose cotton pajama pants that definitely don’t hide the bulge he’s got going or the hand wrapped around it. 

It’s an arrangement that took a while to settle into, Seungri jerking himself off next to Seunghyun when Seunghyun’s not in the mood, but it became oddly comfortable once both parties made it clear that they weren’t bothered by it at all. Seunghyun had worried that Seungri would rather be somewhere else with someone who could actually give him what he wanted, and Seungri had worried that Seunghyun was disgusted by sex when he didn’t want it. As it turned out, they’d both been wrong.

So now it’s nothing out of the ordinary for Seungri to get himself off quietly when they’re having what Jiyong likes to call “Seunghyun-Squared Time.” Sometimes Seunghyun ignores it, and sometimes he watches; even when he’s not craving sex, he still appreciates Seungri’s unabashed beauty when he’s caught up in arousal.

Jiyong rarely interrupts Seunghyun-Squared Time, so Seunghyun isn’t surprised when Seungri’s eyebrows draw together in concern. 

“Are you okay?” he asks into the phone. 

The response is muffled and too garbled for Seunghyun to make out much more than, “Kiko,” but that’s all he needs to figure out approximately what’s happened; Jiyong and Kiko must be off again.

“Um,” Seungri looks down at himself and then at Seunghyun, and Seunghyun takes a guess at what Jiyong’s just asked. Glancing at Seungri’s pajamas and obvious erection, Seunghyun makes a quick decision.

“He can come here, if that’s easier.” Even though they’ve all been officially seeing each other for months now, they’ve never all three been together at the same time for anything other than work, but Seunghyun finds himself curious now. Making Seungri make himself presentable so that he can leave would just be a waste of time, anyway. 

Jiyong is all over Seungri the moment he’s in the door, and they tumble into the bedroom in a mess of kisses and groping. It’s far rougher than either of them have gotten with Seunghyun, almost to the point of violence. He thinks there’s a fight for dominance going on, which Seungri seems set to win, using his slight height advantage to make Jiyong tip his head back and grabbing Jiyong’s ass to pull their bodies together. 

But then Jiyong gets a hand into the hair at the base of Seungri’s neck and tugs, thrusting his hips up against Seungri at the same time, and Seungri breaks their kiss to let out a filthy moan. With a grin over Seungri’s shoulder at Seunghyun that’s slightly dampened by his red, puffy eyes, Jiyong topples Seungri onto the bed and climbs over him. He tugs the hem of Seungri’s thin T-shirt up, and Seungri raises his arms to let him pull it off in a motion so perfectly synchronized it could be one of their dance moves ( _and wouldn’t the fans love_ that _?_ Seunghyun thinks). 

And now all Seungri’s wearing is pajama bottoms, in contrast to Jiyong’s nice gray suit and black turtleneck—Kiko must have dumped him somewhere fancy this time—and as Seungri’s hands settle on Jiyong’s hips Seunghyun can’t help but think that Seungri looks like a kept man. It’s not a thought he’ll ever voice, not when Seungri might take it to heart, but it’ll fuel a fantasy or two for Seunghyun.

Jiyong dips his mouth to the other side of Seungri’s head, and Seunghyun can’t see what he’s doing, but he can guess from the way Seungri jerks and whimpers suddenly that it probably involves teeth and Seungri’s ears. One of Jiyong’s hands wraps around Seungri’s throat, and he leans back over Seungri to look him in the eyes while he says, “I bet Seunghyun-hyung has no idea how rough you like it sometimes, does he?”

Seungri groans. His eyes flick over to Seunghyun for a moment, warm and amused, then back to Jiyong’s. Seunghyun actually has a pretty strong suspicion about how rough both of them like it, but he’s not at all opposed to letting Jiyong show him.

Then Jiyong is guiding Seungri’s hands up above his head, where his fingers curl around the edge of the mattress. Once his fingers are settled, Jiyong lets go of his wrists and wraps one hand over his mouth, and Seungri moans, eyes focused unblinklingly on Jiyong’s in some sort of challenge. Seunghyun isn’t quite sure why until Jiyong lifts his other hand to pinch Seungri’s nose shut and Seungri squirms and makes a tiny, muffled noise in his throat. 

They’re both still for a moment, Jiyong not allowing Seungri to breathe and Seungri not fighting at all, and then Seungri’s eyes flutter shut and his hips buck up. Jiyong continues to hold still for a moment as Seungri wraps his legs around Jiyong’s hips and desperately ruts up against him. Seunghyun is just starting to be concerned about how long Seungri can safely be deprived of oxygen when Jiyong removes both hands and lets Seungri gasp in air beneath him.

“Hyuuuuuung,” Seungri whines when he’s got his breath back. He’s still grinding up against Jiyong’s cock, and Jiyong thrusts back twice, then stops. With a grin so wide it looks sinister instead of cute he tells Seungri to hold still.

Seungri obeys with another whine and stops moving, but the muscles in his arms are tense as he squeezes the mattress. 

“Keep your eyes on me this time,” Jiyong commands as he brings his hands up again. 

This time Seungri’s eyes stay open the whole time Jiyong is choking him. One heel presses into the mattress in what Seunghyun assumes to be part of a quashed instinctive search for friction, but otherwise Seungri follows Jiyong’s orders perfectly. It’s a hopelessly erotic sight, and Seunghyun feels himself starting to get hard but doesn’t attempt to do anything about it, happy to enjoy the slow burn while he watches his two favorite people in action.

“Good boy,” Jiyong murmurs when he lets Seungri breathe again. “Do you want to show Seunghyun-hyung one of your other tricks?”

Seungri blinks, too busy gasping for breath to answer, and Jiyong just continues without waiting for an answer. “How about how you can ride without using your hands?”

Then Jiyong gets up off the bed and goes to the closet, saying, “Hyung, I’m going to borrow one of your scarves.”

He actually comes back with two black silk scarves in hand, neither of them anything close to cheap. Scandalized, Seunghyun says of the one that he immediately recognizes, “That’s Givenchy!”

“I know,” Jiyong retorts. “I gave it to you.”

It’s hard to be upset in the face of one of Jiyong’s feral grins, but Seunghyun presses his lips tight in a feeble attempt to stand his ground anyway. 

“Doesn’t our maknae deserve the best?” Jiyong asks. “Don’t worry, I’ll buy you new ones.”

One scarf goes around Seungri’s wrists, ends trailing behind him where he’s kneeling on the bed. The other goes around his eyes, and Seungri gasps as Jiyong settles it into place and ties it.

Once that one’s tied, Jiyong pauses to appreciate the view, and Seunghyun does the same. Seungri sits still as a statute, with his strong legs folded beneath him and hard cock straining between them. 

Then Jiyong kisses Seungri softly before lying down on the bed and nudging his feet between Seungri’s thighs. It’s an interesting proposition, and Seunghyun wonders how they’re actually going to end up in the position they’re going for—it might have been easier for Seungri to straddle Jiyong _before_ his hands were tied—but Seungri inches forward on his knees until he gets far enough for Jiyong to wrap his arms around his waist and balance his body against Jiyong’s own to tumble back down onto the bed. 

Jiyong doesn’t even have to look to find the lube, reaching back to retrieve it from its drawer in the nightstand without moving his mouth away from Seungri’s even once. He slides slicked fingers into Seungri, and Seungri whimpers into his mouth. But Jiyong withdraws his fingers very quickly, after hardly any stretching, and Seunghyun shoots Jiyong a concerned look.

Jiyong just grins at him. “Don’t worry, he’s fine. He’ll just use this as an excuse to lie around all day tomorrow and make us do everything for him.”

It’s hard to be completely sure that Seungri’s smirk is genuine when his eyes are covered, but Seunghyun decides to trust that Seungri has moved past being unable to tell Jiyong what he needs because he’s been nothing but confident and happy lately.

And the sharp cry that Seungri lets out as Jiyong sits him up and guides him down onto his dick with hands on his hips certainly sounds pleased. 

“Ride,” Jiyong orders, and Seungri moves his hips cautiously in little circles at first, then in larger ones. They’re smooth and impressively calculated, like Seungri knows the exact best way to ride a cock, and all this with only Jiyong’s hands lying lightly on his thighs to give him any balance. 

Turning to meet Seunghyun’s gaze, Jiyong grins again and lets go of Seungri’s thighs completely. “Don’t tell me you’ve never thought of this when you watched him dance.”

With a snort, Seunghyun shakes his head at the two of them and their open, unrepentant sexuality.

“What?” Jiyong asks, slightly breathlessly, pretending to be miffed. “It’s what he _wants_ you to think. ‘Look at this slut. I bet he’d look really good on my cock.’ Isn’t that right, ‘Ri?”

Seungri moans, and not in any sort of protest. Jiyong gives him a sweet, sort of out of place proud look, one he probably never lets Seungri see. 

Then he slides his lube-slicked hand over Seungri’s cock in time with the rhythm of their hips, and Seungri responds with a series of tiny little whimpers in time with _that_. They’re the soft little noises in Seungri’s incongruously angelic voice that only ever serve to make sex with Seungri seem that much filthier, and they make Seunghyun need to touch Seungri, too, so he shifts up to kneel behind Seungri without allowing himself to worry about how he’s shoving them all into the deep end of the uncharted territory they’ve been in all night.

Seungri’s shoulders are warm through Seunghyun’s soft sleep shirt where they press against his chest. Playing with Seungri’s nipples gets a louder moan than the ones before, but his hips don’t falter in their rhythm. Seunghyun can feel Jiyong’s eyes on them as he tips his head down to run his lips over the juncture between Seungri’s neck and shoulders.

“Want to make him really happy?” Jiyong asks, and Seunghyun looks at him questioningly. “Try doing what I did before.”

“Fuck, hyung,” Seungri says. It’s the first time he’s spoken in a while, and his hips actually stutter this time. That’s what makes Seunghyun understand what Jiyong has just suggested. 

Trailing his hand up along Seungri’s jaw, he finds himself attracted to the idea both because of the sense of power he gets from it and because of the way Seungri lets out a broken moan that’s almost a sob. It still scares Seunghyun, though, because he doesn’t really know how it works.

“Please,” Seungri says. “ _Hyung_.”

“Well, since you’re being so polite,” Seunghyun says, unable to resist the jab at Seungri for suddenly remembering his manners when he so frequently skips the honorifics when addressing Seunghyun.

“I’ll tell you when to start and stop,” Jiyong says, and that makes Seunghyun infinitely more comfortable. He’s about to reach for Seungri’s mouth when Seungri says, “Wait. Hands.”

Seunghyun gets the message and quickly unties the scarf from Seungri’s wrists. With his hands free, Seungri wraps them around Seunghyun’s wrists as he lifts them again. “If I let go, stop.”

Simple enough. Seunghyun covers Seungri’s mouth with one hand, then his nose on Jiyong’s command. Seungri’s fingers dig into his wrists, and he’s never felt quite as solid to Seunghyun as he does now, tucked between Seunghyun’s arms and chest. 

Seungri’s hips stop moving, and Jiyong voices his displeasure with a, “Keep moving, ‘Ri.” 

And Seungri tries, but his movements are suddenly frantic and uncoordinated. Catching Seunghyun’s eye, Jiyong nods and gestures to let him know to let go. Seunghyun does, reveling in the way Seungri gasps for breath around a moan. 

Jiyong stops jerking Seungri’s cock in favor of grabbing his hips and thrusting up into him. “Like that, Seungri?”

“Yes,” Seungri pants.

“What do you say to Seunghyun-hyung?”

“Thank you, hyung,” Seungri says. 

At that, Jiyong nods at Seunghyun, and Seunghyun covers Seungri’s mouth and nose again. He can feel the moan stuck in Seungri’s throat as much as he can hear it. 

He follows Jiyong’s silent directions to uncover Seungri’s mouth and then cover it again once more, and then Seungri is coming all over Jiyong’s stomach. Jiyong curses, flips Seungri face down onto the bed when Seunghyun moves out of the way, and thrusts into him hard for a few moments until he’s emptying himself into Seungri.

He flops bonelessly right on top of Seungri, and they both lie there panting for a few minutes. It’s all kinds of adorable, so Seunghyun gets up to obtain a washcloth so that they won’t have to ruin the moment too quickly. 

When he comes back, Jiyong is slipping the blindfold off Seungri and kissing him softly. They both look up when Seunghyun touches Seungri’s hip, Seungri smiling sleepily when he sees the washcloth. 

Jiyong gestures questioningly at Seunghyun’s half-hard cock as he cleans them both up, but Seunghyun smiles and shakes his head. He’d rather let the low burn fade away slowly tonight. He knows that neither of his lovers really understands that, but they’re both used to the idea enough that they don’t pressure him once he’s said no once. That’s all he really needs, and he tosses the washcloth across the room before curling happily around Jiyong, throwing an arm over him to reach Seungri’s side. 

He’s surprised when Jiyong snorts underneath him, and he and Seungri both look at Jiyong and say, “What?”

Jiyong grins up at them both. “I’m in a Seunghyun sandwich!”

Both Seunghyuns blink, then groan. They’ve been lying still for another five minutes when the younger Seunghyun pipes up with, “But sandwiches aren’t named after the bread. It’d have to be a Jiyong sandwich.”

“In Seunghyun buns,” Seunghyun the elder snorts.

“No, I was just in Seunghyun’s buns,” Jiyong throws back. “This is definitely different.”

“This is so not a sexy conversation,” little Seunghyun whines. 

“Whatever, you love us,” Jiyong says. It’s said in jest, but then his smile slides off his face, clearly remembering why he came here tonight in the first place.

The look Seungri gives him in response is soft and loving, and Seunghyun thinks, not for the first time, that he’s really glad Seungri was brave enough to suggest this. Wordlessly, he and Seungri both move closer to Jiyong, as though they can hug the hurt out of him.


End file.
